I don’t know how to start this off. My brain tells me to write, but don’t know what to write. I feel like I can’t express myself enough – enough for anyone reading this to understand.
Do you know how it feels like to be on one side? (I’ve deleted several explanations trying to find the right words to make you understand. See, I still can’t find the right words.) I’m pretty sure you have. But let me tell you this, it’s so much harder to be in the middle of things. Harder because you know you can’t have both. You are lost in a world, a perspective – a zen of newness, adventure and excitement and at the same time stuck at what was comfortable and familiar. Still not getting it? Well, it’s a very terrible place to be in. A very painful place to be in.
I’ve grown tired telling people about my situation because I know they don’t have to understand me all the time, but that’s what hurts most… When you’ve become so dependent on other people to help you, understand you and then *poof* gone like magic. But you can’t blame them, right? They have their own shit to deal with, too. Truth is, I am so jealous of the people who can stand on their own, or at least try. I’ve been wanting to find who I am and learn to love myself but couldn’t seem to do it because I don’t know how to. I literally don’t know how to appreciate; respect myself, like everything I do is so half-assed. I want to get better, really, and it’s so easy to say that I’ll eventually get better but shit, no it isn’t easy to do.
I feel easy. I feel incomplete. I feel hopeless. I feel demotivated. I feel like I don’t deserve any respect.
I feel like I haven’t done anything right. I feel sorry for myself but at the same time I feel like I have to apologize for everything because I feel like everything is my fault. I don’t know, maybe I’m so used to taking the blame for everything cause taking the blame for everything is easier for me.
I am needy and fragile.
I am emotionally damaged.
I feel like it’s just be against the world, against everyone – A familiar feeling I had back in high school. (My excuse back in high school was that cause I’m different, I’m weird.)
And I’m lost. Still so very lost.
Dear Sleepy Girl,
Time check: it’s 3:01AM on a Saturday. Lie down, breathe, smile and be thankful for where you are now.
Be thankful for everything that has broken your heart – everything that has made you cry your heart out because honestly, without all that, you wouldn’t be who you are today.
It’s been a long time since you’ve felt this happy. Like genuinely happy in your life. So be thankful that you’ve reached this point cause it just comes to show that you are able to conquer anything that comes your way. It’s honestly because no one is better at being you but you. No one will appreciate you more than you.
You’ve always depended on other people for your happiness, and now that you don’t need confirmation from anyone else, you’re addicted. You’re addicted to the endorphins your body’s consuming and pray to God that it doesn’t go away.
Because honestly, you only need you in order to be you.
It’s alright to not feel okay, too. You need it to keep yourself grounded. So in that way, you are able to find yourself again. Which you will again, eventually.
I know it has been very difficult. There have been times you’ve just given up on yourself but the sun always sets and the moon rises to assure you there’s another day to try again.
There is a purpose for your birth.
As of 2015, there are 7.347 billion people in the world and you’re one of them. You have a purpose on this Earth and you just don’t know what it is yet, but no need to worry, the other 7.346 billion people are questioning that, too.
Cherish your days, Sleepy Girl.
It’ll be alright. You’ll be fine.
♡ Sleepy Girl